Correction:
There is nothing worse than sitting amongst your lay person committee as they prepare to drag you IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE IN THAT YOU ARE NOT FULLY FLUENT in your six month evaluation.
The group is together with snacks and drinks commencing for the first time in over two months as the summer has prevented all forms of congregating from occurring. Literally. There was no worship, school, or women's group since December. Silence fell dead in the community as the hot Buenos Aires sun oppressed us. After weeks of carefree office hours and trips to the Churchwide Offices, I now had to clean up and present myself infront of four wonderful members who for the next two hours were going to be one of the greatest judges I would encounter over the next two years.
It is triggering to say the least as I had flash backs of my first candidacy interview where I left in tears eating chocolate covered pretzels and raw cookie dough on my way to my mentor's house in the Hamptons. Granted, most of this is my anxiety but it made no difference in the moment. A group of people unknowingly have a significant amount of power in the next stages of my life. Whether or not I am aware and confident in my competency I have heard horror stories of synods who refuse to approve candidates that have unflattering internship reports. You go through seminary hearing about horrifying approval meetings every year and thinking, "Jesus Christ please don't let that be me." This is stressful. I have not had a complaint about my job so far and still I can feel my heart racing. For now I will just sit at the end of this table and play dead until the meeting concludes.
Sitting with your lay committee during evaluations is like being the Guest of Honor at a Comedy Central roast. It is like being in a constant state of Michael Jordan crying meme. Sitting with your lay committee during evaluations is the equivalence of Roger from Sister Sister, Steve Urkle from Family Matters, and Jazzy Jeff from Fresh Prince of Bel- Air publicly embarassing you before you have to do the walk of shame across the school auditorium. If this experience was a movie scene, it would be when Regina George from Mean Girls tells Cady "you're really pretty" and after Cady thanks her she snaps back, "so you agree, you think you're really pretty."
Now this is not even to paint the committee as a bully or your worst enemy. Again, most of this is my own anxiety. Truth is I probably should not be so concerned because I know the quality of work I do as does any other intern. I also have fairly good working relationships with all members of the committee as well. If anything these are the most qualified people to speak on my behalf. Maybe it is also the very critical lense I place myself under trying to navigate a relatively unfamiliar space. Or perhaps it is because the obstacles I encounter here are quite different from my previous contexts. Earlier in the year I mentioned the language barrier as a frustration. While I have gotten much better, there is still the hestiation at times to immerse myself deeper into church culture and handle certain situations independently. Yup, it is definitely me in my own head.
My committee is a little unique to others as they are not ELCA Lutherans so most of the language used to evaluate me is very strange and obsessive to them.
"How would you describe the intern's sense of their "call to ministry"?
1. Why is my internship committee asked to describe MY sense to MY call?
2. How are they suppose to even range that? It seems to be assuming an intern is publicly announcing their sense of their call quite often. Chances are by mid year, they don't even know why they signed up for this.
3. Why is that a question?
As the group went through these butchered translations of evaluation questions, the chair person and I would exchange looks of "are these questions for real?"
"yeah girl. . . I know. . .I know." They felt repetitive and at times unnecessary especially since both church bodies have different church cultures. The ELCA has a bureaucratic body that produces resources that define our mission and vision along with church language both real and alternative: "missional." IELU is not as concerned with these types of things as their mission is a five point strategic plan grounded more in action than language. Until this past year IELU pastors graduated from a promising and academically vigorous seminary with an education and formation process they trusted enough to make good pastors. The ELCA on the other hand does not have the same guarantee on pastoral education and formation as our pool (candidates/ seminaries/ church contexts/ etc) is much deeper. Both experiences are great. It just creates an interesting dynamic when asking one to evaluate the other. But drag on my friends. . . drag on.
Evaluations in groups always make me feel weird especially when you are waiting for someone to come for your neck. Maybe it is just me but I expect evaluations and critiques to be ruthless. Let's be honest, it is just me. However we all persevered through the tedious task of Intern dragging and truthfully it was a bit affirming. For me it was more about my members being able to see my impact as a non-spanish speaking individual. Often times I fear what I say or do gets lost in translation but apparently it manages to overcome that obstacle.
Goals for this half of the year:
- Finish the H.S. mural
- Complete Internship Project
- Complete #LiberadoYSinMiedo Lenten Devotional
- Continue Merienda Miercoles (English Practice Group)
- Launch Service Futbol Torneo with the H.S.
- Introduce a collection of stewardship resources to the congregation
#ReclaimMissionary
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